There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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