Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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