you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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