either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
