who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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