First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
