That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My penis needs a shock collar
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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