somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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