You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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