I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Enjoy the penises
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
