After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
