how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.