Welp...herpes.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
