Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
