You're so nebulous sometimes
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
