if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
