i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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