i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
