took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
