Did you just see the Batmobile???
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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