Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
