Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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