Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
