I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
