The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
