it wasn't lemon gatorade
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
