Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
