I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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