Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
