So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
