I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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