guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Randomize
