god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
