oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
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The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
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You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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