hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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