I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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