her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
