You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Can you bring me the toilet please
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
