I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
