i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
