Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
