i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
