Define "chronic" masturbator.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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