Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
