Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
