a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
