During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
