Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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