I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
