You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
