meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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