I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
