Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
