He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
