Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
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Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
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I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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