have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.