Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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