a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
