Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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